A Special Place in Heaven: Kid Sensors

So it's been a few days and now that my brain is semi-functioning again, I feel the urge to address Kid Sensors. All kids have them. Said sensors are activated at conception, and my mother would argue that they stay active for the life of the child.

Real quick, let me say that I have been celebrating hard at my own pity party this week. I'm sick. (This is the part where you feel sorry for me. Thanks!) Not deathly sick, but sick enough that I actually ventured to a doctor's office. I only trek there if I'm growing a human, giving birth to that human, need an organ removed or if I think I might be dying. I mean, why pay a babysitter and risk contracting more germs when my sister is a doctor (well..VERY close to being one) and loves me enough not to block me from her texting plan?? Exactly! Now, my meds are working and a miracle has occurred...I feel better!

Back to the Kid Sensors. My feeling like crud this week has really sent my kids' sensors into an unprecedented frenzy. They just KNOW. Soon after conception the sensors cause the baby to send a surge of hormones into your system, which in turn will make you puke, gag, swoon or make inappropriate sounds at the most inopportune moments. Like, when you walk into your favorite restaurant feeling all excited about chowing down on your favorite grub. You are super psyched until you actually smell the food and have to run like Jesse Owens straight to the restroom. (Gold medals are not awarded, unfortunately) Once in the bathroom that you rudely shoved and yelled at strangers to get to, you will of course smell the inevitable bathroom smell and the air freshener that smells worse than the regular bathroom smells...at this point you will either make it to a stall, or not. Another time the prenatal kid sensor is activated is when you are out of laundry detergent. Mom will break into a nervous sweat just thinking about the heaving, jaw locking and mouth watering that will certainly occur on the cleaning aisle. Keep in mind that the cleaning aisle also happens to be the farthest aisle from the bathroom at any store. Yeah, they start early. Then, they start to move. It's the sweetest feeling in the world and one thing I miss about pregnancy. However, those little flutters quickly become jabs that makes the mother envision what a prize boxer or gymnast her baby will be. The blasted kid sensors let the child know just the right (or wrong) time to crack one of mom's ribs, do a judi flip off her bladder or use his foot to test the sturdiness of her cervix. Whether it is in the middle of an important conversation that doesn't warrant a "uh humph!" from his mother, or a nice bladder kick 20 minutes after the 5th pit stop, 2 hours into a 4 hour road trip. This bladder kick may, or may not result in an emergency stop at Walmart for new apparel. So...for 10 months they test those sensors and get them primed for life in the outside world.

Then that sweet little bundle gets here. Ohhh, you're SO in love but it doesn't take very long to figure out why God, along with blessing parents with children, also instills in them an unimaginable love for their children. It's also quickly realized why He makes them so stinkin' cute. THE SENSORS!! Babies innately know to cry, mess a diaper, pitch an unwarranted fit or even wake up from a very deep and peaceful sleep anytime their parents (mainly their mother) goes to the bathroom, sits down to eat, has just settled into a relaxing bath (possibly the first one in a couple days), any time her head touches a pillow, and any time the bedroom door locks for...you know..."that." They can even sense that the phone is going to ring 3 full seconds before it actually does and the sound waves' interaction with the kid sensors can lead to some really intense antics. Those kid sensors, man! You can't deactivate them. Striking the child's bottom only fuels it. You just have to accept that those sweet little angels can, and more than likely will turn evil any time their parents are about to enjoy something. I should mention that they are also activated by crowds and in public settings. You know...whenever your child/children can embarrass you the most.

So, the few days I've spent in an de-energized, medicated fog my kids have used their sensors to the fullest. I still love them more than anything in this world, but I am going to add a few pictures of what Kid Sensors can lead otherwise sweet children to do.

They had dumped what was left of the Fruit Loops on to the table and Jack is doing naked gymnastics. I will mention here that he was fully clothed 3 minutes before this picture was made.